I'm Not Okay, But Maybe That's Okay
by Hannahmayski
Summary: Genma struggles to pick himself back up in the aftermath of the Third Shinobi War and Raidou's just the right person to help him. Genrai Week Day 6


**This is so far from the original prompt. My brain saw "oral fixation" and went WHY GENMA ALWAYS HAS A SENBON.**

 **Summary: Genma struggles to pick himself back up in the aftermath of the Third Shinobi War and Raidou's just the right person to help him.**

While Genma had fought in the war he'd been busy, they'd been no time to think, no time to breathe and especially no time to get bored.

His mind had been worked to its limit and any moment that wasn't spent fighting or playing messenger he was either resting or eating and there was hardly time for anything else.

Now finally, back in Konoha the place he'd been longing and longing to return to, Genma had never felt more out of place.

He was just a chunin and an injured one at that, so he wasn't much use to the Hokage until he could walk for more than a few minutes without looking as though his legs were going to give out which meant no missions. No missions meant free time. Free time meant far too much thinking.

And Genma was faced with more free time than he knew what to do with.

He wandered along the footpath with a purposeful slowness, fully aware of his own limitations.

He was almost certain his mum didn't know there was anything wrong. Part of him wished he would stop hiding it, so she would notice and help him but the other half of him wanted to keep her as far away from the inner workings of his head as he could.

The sun was soft on his skin compared to the battlefield. It had seemed as though the sun had taken personal offence to the war and was doing its best to set every shinobi on fire. In Konoha, it was warm but comfortable and Genma was endlessly thankful for that.

He turned a familiar corner towards Raidou's house and tried to ease his nails from digging into his palms. He paused in the middle of the footpath, feeling his heart beat furiously in his chest. Genma closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe in, hold, breathe out.

He felt uncomfortable. Like a weighted stone had settled in his stomach, a promise that _something_ was going to happen. Something was going to leap out of the shadows and strike. It had proven much harder to let go of that ingrained paranoia that had kept him alive during the war than he'd thought.

He sighed and rubbed his hands over face. His jaw ached from gritting his teeth too hard.

Genma pulled his hands from his face and let them hang at his side and kept walking.

The house was visible now. Small but homely, a few potted plants sitting out the front on the porch blooming with pink and blue flowers.

He felt calmer when he was with Raidou. So, Genma found himself at Raidou's house with shaking hands, a frazzled mind and an aching head.

He hadn't felt right since the war — agitated and uncomfortable — and Genma had no idea what he should do to fix himself.

He walked up the steps, one hand on the railing to brace himself and the other shoved deep into his pocket trying to stop himself from clenching his fist.

He wasn't really sure what was wrong, just that he _felt_ wrong. Genma needed it to stop and Raidou was his best bet.

Genma rapped his knuckles on the door and prayed that Raidou's mums weren't there. He loved them both and felt like they were his mums by extension but if those two tried to ask if he was okay he'd probably cry, and he had to try to retain _some_ dignity.

Genma pulled on the bandages around his forearm and shifted from foot to foot. Raidou hadn't been out of the hospital long himself and between them, they looked a state.

The door opened and Raidou stood there, the bandages still wrapped around his face and loose clothes hanging comfortably over his larger frame.

His brow creased and he tilted his head slightly, reaching out grasping Genma's hand in his own with a slow carefulness allowing Genma plenty of time to move away.

"Are you alright, Genma? You look like you're gonna pass out"

Genma had been thinking about what he wanted to say on the walk over. How he'd been feeling since he'd been back in Konoha, the brick of dread in his stomach and the off feeling in his head that just wouldn't _leave_ but his words died on the tip of his tongue. He opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again. His hand shook in Raidou's grasp. He blinked furiously, trying to will the burning sensation of tears away.

He'd come to Raidou in hopes that he could have a rational conversation and get some advice from a fellow shinobi. Instead, he was a hair width away of crying.

He didn't notice the first tear fall until Raidou pulled him inside, closing the door behind him and pushed him to sit on the couch. Raidou disappeared into the kitchen and emerged a moment later, clutching a cup of tea in his hands and look of grave concentration on his face.

Raidou put the cup on the coffee table and sat next to Genma, their shoulders touching.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Raidou kept his voice quiet.

Genma's throat burned as he tried to hold back tears and his hands still shook faintly. He swallowed, breathed in and squeezed his eyes shut. He shook his head "later?" he said and Raidou pulled the blanket from over the back of the couch and draped it over Genma's shoulders nodding. "That's fine. Whenever you're ready."

Genma felt another tear fall, after that another. He could feel them falling down his cheeks, his throat ached and his legs felt as flimsy like there was no way they could support his weight and his head pounded.

Raidou wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to rest Genma's head on his chest, mindful of bandages and stitches.

Raidou didn't let go and Genma didn't try to resist. They sat there in silence for what could have been hours or merely minutes.

Genma wasn't sure when he closed his eyes or when he fell asleep, but he found himself prodded awake and coming face to face with Raidou's.

Raidou smiled contently "you slept like a rock. Good."

With anyone else Genma might have felt embarrassed, but with Raidou that seemed impossible. He lifted himself up carefully from Raidou's lap rubbing his eyes.

"Thanks." Genma turned to face Raidou and hefted the blanket to cover both of them. "How long did I sleep?"

Raidou pulled the blanket to cover his furthest leg and absently rubbed at the bandage covering his face "hmm, about three hours I think."

Genma fiddled with the blanket in his hands. He had to tell Raidou why he dragged himself across town and burst into tears on his doorstep, no matter how much he wanted to bury his head in the sand and pretend his issues didn't exist. He owed that to Raidou at least. So, he steeled himself, breathed in and looked at Raidou meeting his eyes. "Been feeling… off since getting back. I don't know, just uncomfortable? Sorry I dumped the fallout on you…" He rubbed the back of his head looking uncomfortable and forced himself not to look away from Raidou.

"Mum says that's normal," Raidou said "And she says you've gotta have people you can fall on, which you do" he pointed his thumb at himself "So, I'll help you get through it. And you she also says you shouldn't apologise for having feelings" He rubbed his hand across Genma's hair and reached across to the coffee table, picking up a senbon that definitely wasn't there before.

"Mum came by before and gave me this, it's a senbon but it's a good distraction too. You could fiddle with it in your hands," he rolled it across his knuckles "and you can put in your mouth, like a toothpick" he held it out to Genma. "Plus, it's a weapon!"

Genma took the senbon and put in his mouth, balanced between his teeth and wiggled it up and down in contemplation.

"Yeah," he began, "I think this could work."

They grinned at each other and snuggled back into the couch again, all too comfortable to move.

The war had been awful. He'd lost many things — friends and probably a permanent part of his sanity — but he'd gained something too. He'd gained Raidou. And Raidou made the world seem a little brighter.


End file.
